Saturday, July 4, 2009
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
More on how we got here ( Originally posted on "The Nest" Adoption Board
DH and I decided on adoption back in April after 4+ years of T-TTC. We have been married for 5 years and I threw away my BCP's the night before our wedding. I had a m/c before DH and I were married, while we were dating, so I had no reason to think we could not conceive. I was in my late 30's when it happened and my MD said "not to worry" that he had women in their 40's get PG "all the time".
So when after a year of TTC with no luck , I went back to Dr. "Blow-Sunshine-Up-My-Ass" and found out my FSH was in the high 50's. Why he never tested me when at 38, I told him I was getting married and wanted kids is beyond me. He did not even have the balls to tell me about my results...he had his receptionist deliver the blow for him!
After 5 RE consults and so much blood work, ultrasounds, tons of meds to lower my FSH ( which actually caused blood clots in my leg up to my groin!) and injectables ( Cetrotide + Lovenox to prevent more clots) I ran out of insurance. I work for a major Northern NJ Medical Center and only have $10 K for IF treatment. I ran thru that in less than a year, and it is a lifetime cap.
DH and I hit a HUGE stumbling block at that point, as we were both going thru so much pain and anguish, we almost called it quits on our marriage. I was very un-lovable at the time, and so was he. We decided our love was worth fighting for and sought professional help and decided that we wanted to be parents first and formost and that biology didnt matter all that much.
We consulted with our adoption lawyer in April and actually entertained, quite seriously, the option to do a donor egg cycle, but after being turned down for every type of financing available, including a second mortgage, I began to panic. My fear was that if we emptyed out our 401B, which was the ONLY option we had left, and they cycle failed....we would be financially screwed in the future and would have no resources to adopt.
I called my attorney and she talked me down off the ledge and suggested that we get set up for adoption. I somehow managed to break the $3,000 egg donor consultant contract we signed earlier that this year, and here we are, homestudy approved and car seat ready!!!Time for an update.....and a new direction!
This poor blog has been as empty as my infertile womb lately, and since we have taken a new direction on our journey, I figured I should update and try to wrap my head around what we are in the process of doing. ( Insert drum roll here.....)
We are adopting!!! It was not our first choice....adoption rarely is, but it is our Best Choice and we are really happy that we are finally moving in the right direction. Heck, after five years of infertility, any direction is better than the path of destruction and doom we were on.
I'd like to be able to say that I am a humanitarian and I want to save the world one child at a time, but that is not who I am. I am a mother, without a child, waiting for the chance to love and nurture a baby who may become a great humanitarian, a doctor, or a soccer mom. I don't even have any dreams any more for my unborn child. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. right now, I just need some Infertility Closure.
Many months of disapointment, anger and tears, blood work and ultrasounds, meds that gave me blood clots and a diagnosed blood clotting disorder, led us on this path. Was it the twice daily Lovenox shots in the belly that put me over the edge, or was it the $3,000 worth of Cetrotide that was prescribed incorrectly and wasted 1/3 rd of my lifetime cap of $10,000? Was it the five RE ( reproductive endocrinologist) consults or the countless disappointing phone calls I received when my hormone levels were too screwed up to even proceed to IVF?It sure as hell wasn't my "Biological Time Clock". That stopped ticking for me a while ago.
It was simply time to "shiite or get off the pot". My health was slipping, my marriage was tanking and my self esteem was in the toilet. I got fat, hormonal and angry. Ugly inside and out. It was the "Inner Ugly" that got to me. IF changed who I am, took away all my joy, my hope and the anticipation of a new day dawning with a fresh start.
Adoption, simply put, is my fresh start.
We are adopting!!! It was not our first choice....adoption rarely is, but it is our Best Choice and we are really happy that we are finally moving in the right direction. Heck, after five years of infertility, any direction is better than the path of destruction and doom we were on.
I'd like to be able to say that I am a humanitarian and I want to save the world one child at a time, but that is not who I am. I am a mother, without a child, waiting for the chance to love and nurture a baby who may become a great humanitarian, a doctor, or a soccer mom. I don't even have any dreams any more for my unborn child. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. right now, I just need some Infertility Closure.
Many months of disapointment, anger and tears, blood work and ultrasounds, meds that gave me blood clots and a diagnosed blood clotting disorder, led us on this path. Was it the twice daily Lovenox shots in the belly that put me over the edge, or was it the $3,000 worth of Cetrotide that was prescribed incorrectly and wasted 1/3 rd of my lifetime cap of $10,000? Was it the five RE ( reproductive endocrinologist) consults or the countless disappointing phone calls I received when my hormone levels were too screwed up to even proceed to IVF?It sure as hell wasn't my "Biological Time Clock". That stopped ticking for me a while ago.
It was simply time to "shiite or get off the pot". My health was slipping, my marriage was tanking and my self esteem was in the toilet. I got fat, hormonal and angry. Ugly inside and out. It was the "Inner Ugly" that got to me. IF changed who I am, took away all my joy, my hope and the anticipation of a new day dawning with a fresh start.
Adoption, simply put, is my fresh start.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Seriously, why isn't there an IF Reality Show?
...because the reality of this BITES.Way more than needing, say, a new granite counter top or a backyard makeover. Turn on any HGTV episode and watch couples, rich, poor, straight or gay, married or single , get some high priced designer to come in to do a makeover of their home to sell it or just live in the lap of luxury.....Now, if you know me IRL, you know that I would LOVE to have a designer work with me and make over my home, as my poor DH and I are TIRED of reno projects in our money pit, I mean our home.....but what is the sense of having a lovely, heavily mortgaged home on an acre of land, if you have no one to share it with you. Why live in a Lake community, if you don't have kids to take to the lake. You see where I am going with this, right?
All over our TV sets each day and night, people are getting free stuff, material things that don't mean anything in the end....and we can't get a LOAN ( which we can pay back over a few years) TO HAVE A FAMILY. My employer caps off my IF coverage at $10,000 and BAM......GAME over.
All over our TV sets each day and night, people are getting free stuff, material things that don't mean anything in the end....and we can't get a LOAN ( which we can pay back over a few years) TO HAVE A FAMILY. My employer caps off my IF coverage at $10,000 and BAM......GAME over.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Why is EVERY celebrity Pregnancy NEWSWORTHY ?
Let me begin by saying I am seriously going to get flamed here, I'm sure...( and since this is MY BLOG I don't care!) but why do I have to turn on the evening news( again) and the lead story is (again) about yet ANOTHER PG, unmarried celeb who has enough money to give 300 of us free IVF cycles?
I seriously have no issue with Jessica Alba or any other celebrity ( well, maybe I have a small prob. w/BritBrit....) and I truly wish them well, but just for once, I 'd like to see an accurate , heartfelt story on the Evening news about the THOUSANDS of women who are in committed, healthy relationships,( or are just committed to being a parent) who can not conceive no matter what and the horrible price they are paying to desperately try.
Yet, these celebs continue to blithely gallivant in front of the press, showing off their "baby bump" ( that term turns my stomach....) and the rest of us just have to sit back and watch them blossom right before our infertile eyes. There is not a day that goes by when I don't see an issue of People, Us or Extra featuring another "knocked up" celeb.
Women, celebs and everyone else, have been getting PG for as long as creation, so why is it now the "fashionable" thing for all of them to have babies? And must they flaunt them to such insane levels? Actresses in the 50's, 60's 70's and 80's got PG, too. Seriously, can anyone recall any actress from the eighties being splashed all over every magazine in America just because she was PG?
I seriously think the media needs to redirect their focus on "baby bumps" and get back to reporting real news. There are so so many couples desperate to have kids ( or just ONE child) who can't get PG w/o ART, and don't have adequate IF coverage to even pursue the technology...and yet we as a nation glorify the unwed mother who just had an"oops" and put her on every magazine in the country.
I am really fed up with the cost, emotional and financial, of this quest we are on, and as I quickly use up my lousy $10,000 life time cap for IF coverage ( just on meds and b/w and consults) I won't have any coverage left if I can even GET to a single cycle with my own eggs. And then what do I do when my insurance runs out and I want to use DE's? And if the DE cycle fails ( as many do) where will I get the money and more importantly, the strength to try to adopt?
Why doesn't someone do a story on THAT!?
If I sound bitter, I am. And I won't apologize for it because I can't help the way I feel about this. Infertility NEEDS to be brought to focus in the media, RE's need to calm down with their fees, pharma companies need to back off on these outrageous prices.
Trying to conceive a child should not cause financial ruin for a couple who want so much to be parents.Watching the evening news should not be a daily reminder of that struggle. Yes, I know I can change the channel, or not buy the magazine....but I can't change the fact that what comes so easy and free to some is unattainable to so many, and we all deserve So much better than to have it splashed in our faces everywhere we turn.
::Stepping ever so gently off my soapbox::
I seriously have no issue with Jessica Alba or any other celebrity ( well, maybe I have a small prob. w/BritBrit....) and I truly wish them well, but just for once, I 'd like to see an accurate , heartfelt story on the Evening news about the THOUSANDS of women who are in committed, healthy relationships,( or are just committed to being a parent) who can not conceive no matter what and the horrible price they are paying to desperately try.
Yet, these celebs continue to blithely gallivant in front of the press, showing off their "baby bump" ( that term turns my stomach....) and the rest of us just have to sit back and watch them blossom right before our infertile eyes. There is not a day that goes by when I don't see an issue of People, Us or Extra featuring another "knocked up" celeb.
Women, celebs and everyone else, have been getting PG for as long as creation, so why is it now the "fashionable" thing for all of them to have babies? And must they flaunt them to such insane levels? Actresses in the 50's, 60's 70's and 80's got PG, too. Seriously, can anyone recall any actress from the eighties being splashed all over every magazine in America just because she was PG?
I seriously think the media needs to redirect their focus on "baby bumps" and get back to reporting real news. There are so so many couples desperate to have kids ( or just ONE child) who can't get PG w/o ART, and don't have adequate IF coverage to even pursue the technology...and yet we as a nation glorify the unwed mother who just had an"oops" and put her on every magazine in the country.
I am really fed up with the cost, emotional and financial, of this quest we are on, and as I quickly use up my lousy $10,000 life time cap for IF coverage ( just on meds and b/w and consults) I won't have any coverage left if I can even GET to a single cycle with my own eggs. And then what do I do when my insurance runs out and I want to use DE's? And if the DE cycle fails ( as many do) where will I get the money and more importantly, the strength to try to adopt?
Why doesn't someone do a story on THAT!?
If I sound bitter, I am. And I won't apologize for it because I can't help the way I feel about this. Infertility NEEDS to be brought to focus in the media, RE's need to calm down with their fees, pharma companies need to back off on these outrageous prices.
Trying to conceive a child should not cause financial ruin for a couple who want so much to be parents.Watching the evening news should not be a daily reminder of that struggle. Yes, I know I can change the channel, or not buy the magazine....but I can't change the fact that what comes so easy and free to some is unattainable to so many, and we all deserve So much better than to have it splashed in our faces everywhere we turn.
::Stepping ever so gently off my soapbox::
Where in the world is Christmas?
Alright, I seem to be developing a "seasonal" pattern here...first post near Halloween, next post the day before Thanksgiving and now, here comes Christmas....I wish this one would just slip by unnoticed.
After the Turkey Day Debaucle at the Haber Hill Kitten farm ( AKA my parent's house) I have been in a major slump. I even renewed my Zoloft last night because there is no way I am going to survive another holiday without being medicated. My family is crazy. My parent's have replaced their longing for grandchildren and close family with 11 cats...and there seems to be no room at
The Inn" when Mike and I visit. We seem to be in the way, too much trouble and it's all my fault...at least that's how I feel.
Had we not made the biggest mistake of our lives by selling our dream house in South Jersey, crazy family visits would be ended by a 5 minute drive home instead of a 2 1/2 hour trek up the NJ Turnpike, with a 100LB yellow lab and a 5 LB kitten in a crate.
I believe that awful decision to move back to North Jersey has alot to do with my infertility as well...when we first made the move to my home town , to be near family, we had this crazy 92 mile commute to our super stressful job and threw in working night shift to make it more "fun".
All this stress lead to not going to the OB/GYN when I was not PG after 1 and 1/2 years off BCPs. My cycles became wacky and irregular, and I just blamed night shift...I wasn't sleeping or eating well at that time and had gained a bunch of weight. By the time I finally got up the courage to see my North Jersey OB/GYN ( of 15 years!) , it was too late. He did a simple test to check my FSH ( follicle stimulating Hormone) and found it to be sky high. He said, Oh well...there's nothing I can do for you. Have a nice Day.
Are you FVcking kidding me....39 and INfertile....I ask myself all the time...how could I let this happen? How could HE let this happen? He knew me for 15 years, knew my ovarian cyst history...knew my endo history. For God's sake he operated on me! Never ONCE did he tell me that I was going to have a problem because of my endo, or my age. He KNEW I was marrying Mike ( who is 8 years younger than me!) at 39 years old. How come no one ever told me I should get a baseline FSH level drawn? It's a stinking blood test that costs about $150. I have insurance. I go to the doctor for my 6 month check ups. Why didn't anyone tell me ?!
But instead, my doctor, who I trusted for 15 years, blew constant sunshine up my ass... "you'll have no trouble getting pregnant...I have PG patients in their 40's all the time" I even thought he was a infertility expert" all these years , so I never worried. I just trusted. And I got SCREWED.
Now you are up to speed on how I got here in the first place. After 4+ years and 5 RE's ( Reproductive Endocrinologists) I am still not PG. And my family is still crazy.
So I am blogging today, as I await blood test results...from yesterday that did not get run. Infertitiy is stressful enough with out all the crap that goes with treatment.
After the Turkey Day Debaucle at the Haber Hill Kitten farm ( AKA my parent's house) I have been in a major slump. I even renewed my Zoloft last night because there is no way I am going to survive another holiday without being medicated. My family is crazy. My parent's have replaced their longing for grandchildren and close family with 11 cats...and there seems to be no room at
The Inn" when Mike and I visit. We seem to be in the way, too much trouble and it's all my fault...at least that's how I feel.
Had we not made the biggest mistake of our lives by selling our dream house in South Jersey, crazy family visits would be ended by a 5 minute drive home instead of a 2 1/2 hour trek up the NJ Turnpike, with a 100LB yellow lab and a 5 LB kitten in a crate.
I believe that awful decision to move back to North Jersey has alot to do with my infertility as well...when we first made the move to my home town , to be near family, we had this crazy 92 mile commute to our super stressful job and threw in working night shift to make it more "fun".
All this stress lead to not going to the OB/GYN when I was not PG after 1 and 1/2 years off BCPs. My cycles became wacky and irregular, and I just blamed night shift...I wasn't sleeping or eating well at that time and had gained a bunch of weight. By the time I finally got up the courage to see my North Jersey OB/GYN ( of 15 years!) , it was too late. He did a simple test to check my FSH ( follicle stimulating Hormone) and found it to be sky high. He said, Oh well...there's nothing I can do for you. Have a nice Day.
Are you FVcking kidding me....39 and INfertile....I ask myself all the time...how could I let this happen? How could HE let this happen? He knew me for 15 years, knew my ovarian cyst history...knew my endo history. For God's sake he operated on me! Never ONCE did he tell me that I was going to have a problem because of my endo, or my age. He KNEW I was marrying Mike ( who is 8 years younger than me!) at 39 years old. How come no one ever told me I should get a baseline FSH level drawn? It's a stinking blood test that costs about $150. I have insurance. I go to the doctor for my 6 month check ups. Why didn't anyone tell me ?!
But instead, my doctor, who I trusted for 15 years, blew constant sunshine up my ass... "you'll have no trouble getting pregnant...I have PG patients in their 40's all the time" I even thought he was a infertility expert" all these years , so I never worried. I just trusted. And I got SCREWED.
Now you are up to speed on how I got here in the first place. After 4+ years and 5 RE's ( Reproductive Endocrinologists) I am still not PG. And my family is still crazy.
So I am blogging today, as I await blood test results...from yesterday that did not get run. Infertitiy is stressful enough with out all the crap that goes with treatment.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Happy Thanksgiving...or whatever
I have the Turkey Blues....everyone , it seems has babies to babble about, new things going on in their homes, lots of Halloween pics to share ...and we are stuck schleping down 2 1/2 hours to the crazy Kitten farm my parent's are running out of their back yard, dragging our poor aging yellow lab and our tiny kitten with us. Our dog, who I really feel like is my child, is getting ready to cross to the Rainbow Bridge soon, it seems..and I am beside myself with grief. Just when I need the most comfort, the most comforting creature ever is about to leave me. I can't bear to see him suffer, yet I can't bear to let him go.....Back in September, he bit me, out of pain and confusion, in his 13 year old muddled brain, and I had a severed nerve in my right hand and damage to my tendon , as well. Not good news for the Right handed, health car/crafty/ do it yourselfer that I am.
Devastating, actually....then I had surgery....which has accounted for the weeks of no blog entries. I could type after my cast came off, but I had nothing to say. Hurting my back in September, the having the "dog accident" really made me take a TTC break, which I probably needed, anyway. So after 3 weeks of back therapy, stitches in my hand, antibiotics and Percocet..and a nerve transfer, who can blame me for being cranky? What I had to say, no one really wanted to hear anyway. Really. Who wants to listen to a psycho baby crazed cripple bitch about all the crap she's going thru.
Really. NOBODY wants to hear it, most especially my family and friends. AND that, dear bloggers, is something I have not figured out how to swallow. Hence, my Turkey Blues. Nothing good to say, so say nothing. Or be sarcastic, which is inherently more fun, anyway.
During my "break" I tried to de-stress, work less and eat better, tried to take my vitamins, and my walk each day, cut back on the Java habit, and pray more and eat less.
Still not pregnant. Still fat. Still Stressed. Oh ,Shit! And working, less, means not so rich anymore, either. But the good news is ...wait a minute...I'll think of something...I'll have to get back to you on that....
Devastating, actually....then I had surgery....which has accounted for the weeks of no blog entries. I could type after my cast came off, but I had nothing to say. Hurting my back in September, the having the "dog accident" really made me take a TTC break, which I probably needed, anyway. So after 3 weeks of back therapy, stitches in my hand, antibiotics and Percocet..and a nerve transfer, who can blame me for being cranky? What I had to say, no one really wanted to hear anyway. Really. Who wants to listen to a psycho baby crazed cripple bitch about all the crap she's going thru.
Really. NOBODY wants to hear it, most especially my family and friends. AND that, dear bloggers, is something I have not figured out how to swallow. Hence, my Turkey Blues. Nothing good to say, so say nothing. Or be sarcastic, which is inherently more fun, anyway.
During my "break" I tried to de-stress, work less and eat better, tried to take my vitamins, and my walk each day, cut back on the Java habit, and pray more and eat less.
Still not pregnant. Still fat. Still Stressed. Oh ,Shit! And working, less, means not so rich anymore, either. But the good news is ...wait a minute...I'll think of something...I'll have to get back to you on that....
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