More on how we got here ( Originally posted on "The Nest" Adoption Board

DH and I decided on adoption back in April after 4+ years of T-TTC. We have been married for 5 years and I threw away my BCP's the night before our wedding. I had a m/c before DH and I were married, while we were dating, so I had no reason to think we could not conceive. I was in my late 30's when it happened and my MD said "not to worry" that he had women in their 40's get PG "all the time".

So when after a year of TTC with no luck , I went back to Dr. "Blow-Sunshine-Up-My-Ass" and found out my FSH was in the high 50's. Why he never tested me when at 38, I told him I was getting married and wanted kids is beyond me. He did not even have the balls to tell me about my results...he had his receptionist deliver the blow for him!

After 5 RE consults and so much blood work, ultrasounds, tons of meds to lower my FSH ( which actually caused blood clots in my leg up to my groin!) and injectables ( Cetrotide + Lovenox to prevent more clots) I ran out of insurance. I work for a major Northern NJ Medical Center and only have $10 K for IF treatment. I ran thru that in less than a year, and it is a lifetime cap.

DH and I hit a HUGE stumbling block at that point, as we were both going thru so much pain and anguish, we almost called it quits on our marriage. I was very un-lovable at the time, and so was he. We decided our love was worth fighting for and sought professional help and decided that we wanted to be parents first and formost and that biology didnt matter all that much.

We consulted with our adoption lawyer in April and actually entertained, quite seriously, the option to do a donor egg cycle, but after being turned down for every type of financing available, including a second mortgage, I began to panic. My fear was that if we emptyed out our 401B, which was the ONLY option we had left, and they cycle failed....we would be financially screwed in the future and would have no resources to adopt.

I called my attorney and she talked me down off the ledge and suggested that we get set up for adoption. I somehow managed to break the $3,000 egg donor consultant contract we signed earlier that this year, and here we are, homestudy approved and car seat ready!!!

Time for an update.....and a new direction!

This poor blog has been as empty as my infertile womb lately, and since we have taken a new direction on our journey, I figured I should update and try to wrap my head around what we are in the process of doing. ( Insert drum roll here.....)
We are adopting!!! It was not our first choice....adoption rarely is, but it is our Best Choice and we are really happy that we are finally moving in the right direction. Heck, after five years of infertility, any direction is better than the path of destruction and doom we were on.
I'd like to be able to say that I am a humanitarian and I want to save the world one child at a time, but that is not who I am. I am a mother, without a child, waiting for the chance to love and nurture a baby who may become a great humanitarian, a doctor, or a soccer mom. I don't even have any dreams any more for my unborn child. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. right now, I just need some Infertility Closure.
Many months of disapointment, anger and tears, blood work and ultrasounds, meds that gave me blood clots and a diagnosed blood clotting disorder, led us on this path. Was it the twice daily Lovenox shots in the belly that put me over the edge, or was it the $3,000 worth of Cetrotide that was prescribed incorrectly and wasted 1/3 rd of my lifetime cap of $10,000? Was it the five RE ( reproductive endocrinologist) consults or the countless disappointing phone calls I received when my hormone levels were too screwed up to even proceed to IVF?It sure as hell wasn't my "Biological Time Clock". That stopped ticking for me a while ago.
It was simply time to "shiite or get off the pot". My health was slipping, my marriage was tanking and my self esteem was in the toilet. I got fat, hormonal and angry. Ugly inside and out. It was the "Inner Ugly" that got to me. IF changed who I am, took away all my joy, my hope and the anticipation of a new day dawning with a fresh start.
Adoption, simply put, is my fresh start.

Seriously, why isn't there an IF Reality Show?

...because the reality of this BITES.Way more than needing, say, a new granite counter top or a backyard makeover. Turn on any HGTV episode and watch couples, rich, poor, straight or gay, married or single , get some high priced designer to come in to do a makeover of their home to sell it or just live in the lap of luxury.....Now, if you know me IRL, you know that I would LOVE to have a designer work with me and make over my home, as my poor DH and I are TIRED of reno projects in our money pit, I mean our home.....but what is the sense of having a lovely, heavily mortgaged home on an acre of land, if you have no one to share it with you. Why live in a Lake community, if you don't have kids to take to the lake. You see where I am going with this, right?
All over our TV sets each day and night, people are getting free stuff, material things that don't mean anything in the end....and we can't get a LOAN ( which we can pay back over a few years) TO HAVE A FAMILY. My employer caps off my IF coverage at $10,000 and BAM......GAME over.