Let me begin by saying I am seriously going to get flamed here, I'm sure...( and since this is MY BLOG I don't care!) but why do I have to turn on the evening news( again) and the lead story is (again) about yet ANOTHER PG, unmarried celeb who has enough money to give 300 of us free IVF cycles?
I seriously have no issue with Jessica Alba or any other celebrity ( well, maybe I have a small prob. w/BritBrit....) and I truly wish them well, but just for once, I 'd like to see an accurate , heartfelt story on the Evening news about the THOUSANDS of women who are in committed, healthy relationships,( or are just committed to being a parent) who can not conceive no matter what and the horrible price they are paying to desperately try.
Yet, these celebs continue to blithely gallivant in front of the press, showing off their "baby bump" ( that term turns my stomach....) and the rest of us just have to sit back and watch them blossom right before our infertile eyes. There is not a day that goes by when I don't see an issue of People, Us or Extra featuring another "knocked up" celeb.
Women, celebs and everyone else, have been getting PG for as long as creation, so why is it now the "fashionable" thing for all of them to have babies? And must they flaunt them to such insane levels? Actresses in the 50's, 60's 70's and 80's got PG, too. Seriously, can anyone recall any actress from the eighties being splashed all over every magazine in America just because she was PG?
I seriously think the media needs to redirect their focus on "baby bumps" and get back to reporting real news. There are so so many couples desperate to have kids ( or just ONE child) who can't get PG w/o ART, and don't have adequate IF coverage to even pursue the technology...and yet we as a nation glorify the unwed mother who just had an"oops" and put her on every magazine in the country.
I am really fed up with the cost, emotional and financial, of this quest we are on, and as I quickly use up my lousy $10,000 life time cap for IF coverage ( just on meds and b/w and consults) I won't have any coverage left if I can even GET to a single cycle with my own eggs. And then what do I do when my insurance runs out and I want to use DE's? And if the DE cycle fails ( as many do) where will I get the money and more importantly, the strength to try to adopt?
Why doesn't someone do a story on THAT!?
If I sound bitter, I am. And I won't apologize for it because I can't help the way I feel about this. Infertility NEEDS to be brought to focus in the media, RE's need to calm down with their fees, pharma companies need to back off on these outrageous prices.
Trying to conceive a child should not cause financial ruin for a couple who want so much to be parents.Watching the evening news should not be a daily reminder of that struggle. Yes, I know I can change the channel, or not buy the magazine....but I can't change the fact that what comes so easy and free to some is unattainable to so many, and we all deserve So much better than to have it splashed in our faces everywhere we turn.
::Stepping ever so gently off my soapbox::
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Where in the world is Christmas?
Alright, I seem to be developing a "seasonal" pattern here...first post near Halloween, next post the day before Thanksgiving and now, here comes Christmas....I wish this one would just slip by unnoticed.
After the Turkey Day Debaucle at the Haber Hill Kitten farm ( AKA my parent's house) I have been in a major slump. I even renewed my Zoloft last night because there is no way I am going to survive another holiday without being medicated. My family is crazy. My parent's have replaced their longing for grandchildren and close family with 11 cats...and there seems to be no room at
The Inn" when Mike and I visit. We seem to be in the way, too much trouble and it's all my fault...at least that's how I feel.
Had we not made the biggest mistake of our lives by selling our dream house in South Jersey, crazy family visits would be ended by a 5 minute drive home instead of a 2 1/2 hour trek up the NJ Turnpike, with a 100LB yellow lab and a 5 LB kitten in a crate.
I believe that awful decision to move back to North Jersey has alot to do with my infertility as well...when we first made the move to my home town , to be near family, we had this crazy 92 mile commute to our super stressful job and threw in working night shift to make it more "fun".
All this stress lead to not going to the OB/GYN when I was not PG after 1 and 1/2 years off BCPs. My cycles became wacky and irregular, and I just blamed night shift...I wasn't sleeping or eating well at that time and had gained a bunch of weight. By the time I finally got up the courage to see my North Jersey OB/GYN ( of 15 years!) , it was too late. He did a simple test to check my FSH ( follicle stimulating Hormone) and found it to be sky high. He said, Oh well...there's nothing I can do for you. Have a nice Day.
Are you FVcking kidding me....39 and INfertile....I ask myself all the time...how could I let this happen? How could HE let this happen? He knew me for 15 years, knew my ovarian cyst history...knew my endo history. For God's sake he operated on me! Never ONCE did he tell me that I was going to have a problem because of my endo, or my age. He KNEW I was marrying Mike ( who is 8 years younger than me!) at 39 years old. How come no one ever told me I should get a baseline FSH level drawn? It's a stinking blood test that costs about $150. I have insurance. I go to the doctor for my 6 month check ups. Why didn't anyone tell me ?!
But instead, my doctor, who I trusted for 15 years, blew constant sunshine up my ass... "you'll have no trouble getting pregnant...I have PG patients in their 40's all the time" I even thought he was a infertility expert" all these years , so I never worried. I just trusted. And I got SCREWED.
Now you are up to speed on how I got here in the first place. After 4+ years and 5 RE's ( Reproductive Endocrinologists) I am still not PG. And my family is still crazy.
So I am blogging today, as I await blood test results...from yesterday that did not get run. Infertitiy is stressful enough with out all the crap that goes with treatment.
After the Turkey Day Debaucle at the Haber Hill Kitten farm ( AKA my parent's house) I have been in a major slump. I even renewed my Zoloft last night because there is no way I am going to survive another holiday without being medicated. My family is crazy. My parent's have replaced their longing for grandchildren and close family with 11 cats...and there seems to be no room at
The Inn" when Mike and I visit. We seem to be in the way, too much trouble and it's all my fault...at least that's how I feel.
Had we not made the biggest mistake of our lives by selling our dream house in South Jersey, crazy family visits would be ended by a 5 minute drive home instead of a 2 1/2 hour trek up the NJ Turnpike, with a 100LB yellow lab and a 5 LB kitten in a crate.
I believe that awful decision to move back to North Jersey has alot to do with my infertility as well...when we first made the move to my home town , to be near family, we had this crazy 92 mile commute to our super stressful job and threw in working night shift to make it more "fun".
All this stress lead to not going to the OB/GYN when I was not PG after 1 and 1/2 years off BCPs. My cycles became wacky and irregular, and I just blamed night shift...I wasn't sleeping or eating well at that time and had gained a bunch of weight. By the time I finally got up the courage to see my North Jersey OB/GYN ( of 15 years!) , it was too late. He did a simple test to check my FSH ( follicle stimulating Hormone) and found it to be sky high. He said, Oh well...there's nothing I can do for you. Have a nice Day.
Are you FVcking kidding me....39 and INfertile....I ask myself all the time...how could I let this happen? How could HE let this happen? He knew me for 15 years, knew my ovarian cyst history...knew my endo history. For God's sake he operated on me! Never ONCE did he tell me that I was going to have a problem because of my endo, or my age. He KNEW I was marrying Mike ( who is 8 years younger than me!) at 39 years old. How come no one ever told me I should get a baseline FSH level drawn? It's a stinking blood test that costs about $150. I have insurance. I go to the doctor for my 6 month check ups. Why didn't anyone tell me ?!
But instead, my doctor, who I trusted for 15 years, blew constant sunshine up my ass... "you'll have no trouble getting pregnant...I have PG patients in their 40's all the time" I even thought he was a infertility expert" all these years , so I never worried. I just trusted. And I got SCREWED.
Now you are up to speed on how I got here in the first place. After 4+ years and 5 RE's ( Reproductive Endocrinologists) I am still not PG. And my family is still crazy.
So I am blogging today, as I await blood test results...from yesterday that did not get run. Infertitiy is stressful enough with out all the crap that goes with treatment.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Happy Thanksgiving...or whatever
I have the Turkey Blues....everyone , it seems has babies to babble about, new things going on in their homes, lots of Halloween pics to share ...and we are stuck schleping down 2 1/2 hours to the crazy Kitten farm my parent's are running out of their back yard, dragging our poor aging yellow lab and our tiny kitten with us. Our dog, who I really feel like is my child, is getting ready to cross to the Rainbow Bridge soon, it seems..and I am beside myself with grief. Just when I need the most comfort, the most comforting creature ever is about to leave me. I can't bear to see him suffer, yet I can't bear to let him go.....Back in September, he bit me, out of pain and confusion, in his 13 year old muddled brain, and I had a severed nerve in my right hand and damage to my tendon , as well. Not good news for the Right handed, health car/crafty/ do it yourselfer that I am.
Devastating, actually....then I had surgery....which has accounted for the weeks of no blog entries. I could type after my cast came off, but I had nothing to say. Hurting my back in September, the having the "dog accident" really made me take a TTC break, which I probably needed, anyway. So after 3 weeks of back therapy, stitches in my hand, antibiotics and Percocet..and a nerve transfer, who can blame me for being cranky? What I had to say, no one really wanted to hear anyway. Really. Who wants to listen to a psycho baby crazed cripple bitch about all the crap she's going thru.
Really. NOBODY wants to hear it, most especially my family and friends. AND that, dear bloggers, is something I have not figured out how to swallow. Hence, my Turkey Blues. Nothing good to say, so say nothing. Or be sarcastic, which is inherently more fun, anyway.
During my "break" I tried to de-stress, work less and eat better, tried to take my vitamins, and my walk each day, cut back on the Java habit, and pray more and eat less.
Still not pregnant. Still fat. Still Stressed. Oh ,Shit! And working, less, means not so rich anymore, either. But the good news is ...wait a minute...I'll think of something...I'll have to get back to you on that....
Devastating, actually....then I had surgery....which has accounted for the weeks of no blog entries. I could type after my cast came off, but I had nothing to say. Hurting my back in September, the having the "dog accident" really made me take a TTC break, which I probably needed, anyway. So after 3 weeks of back therapy, stitches in my hand, antibiotics and Percocet..and a nerve transfer, who can blame me for being cranky? What I had to say, no one really wanted to hear anyway. Really. Who wants to listen to a psycho baby crazed cripple bitch about all the crap she's going thru.
Really. NOBODY wants to hear it, most especially my family and friends. AND that, dear bloggers, is something I have not figured out how to swallow. Hence, my Turkey Blues. Nothing good to say, so say nothing. Or be sarcastic, which is inherently more fun, anyway.
During my "break" I tried to de-stress, work less and eat better, tried to take my vitamins, and my walk each day, cut back on the Java habit, and pray more and eat less.
Still not pregnant. Still fat. Still Stressed. Oh ,Shit! And working, less, means not so rich anymore, either. But the good news is ...wait a minute...I'll think of something...I'll have to get back to you on that....
Friday, October 26, 2007
"when you're broken in a million pieces and you're trying but you can't hold on anymore...Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself.Little girl don't be so blue, I know what you're going thru. Don't let it beat you up. Heaven knows that getting scars only makes you who you are . No matter how much your heart is aching, there is beauty in the breaking...." ~~~~Lindsey Haun ( from the soundtrack of "Broken Bridges", starring Toby Keith and Kelly Preston).
I am strong. But not strong enough to make this baby thing work out for us. We have been at this for 4 years now and it seems that with each day that passes, we lose more hope, more eggs, more precious time. When did I become of "advanced maternal age"?I am still 20 years old, running around Philadelphia, on the campus of St. Joseph's University, trying NOT to get pregnant....at least I am in my mind.
Back in those days, life was much different. I was pretty, skinny and smart. I spent my free time drinking beer, eating Philly Cheesesteaks, shopping, dating, and mostly hanging out at 23 East on The Main Line, slobbering over local rock band star Tommy Conwell and his roadies. ( My DH will have to forgive me here as I digress! He does know about my "band crush" in the 80's!) Last week, I uploaded an old video of Tommy rocking out at The Chestnut Street Caberet, to my iPod, and thought..."in 1985, no one had even thought of an iPod", or a cell phone, or even the Internet, at least not as we know them today. And I certainly NEVER thought of infertility...in fact, I was more concerned with "fertility" and TRYING to be "infertile" with the help of Loestrin28.
But those days have sped by so fast, 23 years worth of them, actually, and , guess what...now I actually AM infertile! WooHoo! Mission Accompished. Too bad I am 23 years too late, and still, I keep trying.
Back in those days, life was much different. I was pretty, skinny and smart. I spent my free time drinking beer, eating Philly Cheesesteaks, shopping, dating, and mostly hanging out at 23 East on The Main Line, slobbering over local rock band star Tommy Conwell and his roadies. ( My DH will have to forgive me here as I digress! He does know about my "band crush" in the 80's!) Last week, I uploaded an old video of Tommy rocking out at The Chestnut Street Caberet, to my iPod, and thought..."in 1985, no one had even thought of an iPod", or a cell phone, or even the Internet, at least not as we know them today. And I certainly NEVER thought of infertility...in fact, I was more concerned with "fertility" and TRYING to be "infertile" with the help of Loestrin28.
But those days have sped by so fast, 23 years worth of them, actually, and , guess what...now I actually AM infertile! WooHoo! Mission Accompished. Too bad I am 23 years too late, and still, I keep trying.
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