Time for an update.....and a new direction!

This poor blog has been as empty as my infertile womb lately, and since we have taken a new direction on our journey, I figured I should update and try to wrap my head around what we are in the process of doing. ( Insert drum roll here.....)
We are adopting!!! It was not our first choice....adoption rarely is, but it is our Best Choice and we are really happy that we are finally moving in the right direction. Heck, after five years of infertility, any direction is better than the path of destruction and doom we were on.
I'd like to be able to say that I am a humanitarian and I want to save the world one child at a time, but that is not who I am. I am a mother, without a child, waiting for the chance to love and nurture a baby who may become a great humanitarian, a doctor, or a soccer mom. I don't even have any dreams any more for my unborn child. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. right now, I just need some Infertility Closure.
Many months of disapointment, anger and tears, blood work and ultrasounds, meds that gave me blood clots and a diagnosed blood clotting disorder, led us on this path. Was it the twice daily Lovenox shots in the belly that put me over the edge, or was it the $3,000 worth of Cetrotide that was prescribed incorrectly and wasted 1/3 rd of my lifetime cap of $10,000? Was it the five RE ( reproductive endocrinologist) consults or the countless disappointing phone calls I received when my hormone levels were too screwed up to even proceed to IVF?It sure as hell wasn't my "Biological Time Clock". That stopped ticking for me a while ago.
It was simply time to "shiite or get off the pot". My health was slipping, my marriage was tanking and my self esteem was in the toilet. I got fat, hormonal and angry. Ugly inside and out. It was the "Inner Ugly" that got to me. IF changed who I am, took away all my joy, my hope and the anticipation of a new day dawning with a fresh start.
Adoption, simply put, is my fresh start.